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A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a car as a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 miles in seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale for her to weigh herself. The husband never came home after that.
The Preacher & The Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
A Preacher and His Dentures
A preacher went to get his teeth pulled. As a result he would need dentures. The first Sunday after, he preached 10 minutes. The second he preached 20 minutes and the third he preached an hour and a half.
Some members of the congregation asked about the different amounts of time. The preacher says, "The first Sunday my gums were so sore I could barely talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were causing the pain. The third Sunday, I grabbed my wife's dentures and could not stop talking."
HUSBAND & WIFE PHILOSOPHY
If a wife wants a husband’s attention, she just has to cry. If a husband wants a wife’s attention, he just has to look happy.
A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband.. “Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life..
BEWARE OF POLITICIANS
A politician was campaigning in a rural area. He saw a young boy milking a cow at an old house. He approached the boy, to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. “Son, get inside the house - And who is that guy you’re talking to?” The son said,” he’s a politician”. “Well in that case, you’d better bring the cows inside with you also.”
POLITICIANS Love to tell LIES
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said that they were not dead, but I didn’t believe them, because you know how politicians love to lie.”
HONEY BEE WIFE
A man invited his friend and his wife for dinner. During dinner the guest heard the host calling his wife HONEY BEE. The guest asked the host, why does he call his wife HONEY BEE rather than just HONEY. The host replied, " my wife looks sweet like HONEY when she dresses up, but when she opens her mouth to speak, her words sting like a bee, hence I call her HONEY BEE".
DOCTOR & IMAAM
A doctor began attending Masjid for Friday prayer/sermon. The Imaam was most delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work - the Imaam referring people to the doctor with medical problems and the doctor referring people to the Imaam with spiritual problems. One day a patient from the doctor called at the Imaam's office with a note prescribing all the Imaam's sermons. The Imaam was very happy to know that people were interested in listening to his sermons over and over, so he called the doctor to thank him for prescribing his sermons to the patient. The doctor responded and said that the patient's problem was INSOMNIA.
MOTHER IN LAW HUMOR
A wife decided to go for a week vacation by her sister, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her dog. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded sayin, “YOUR DOG IS DEAD.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the news slowly? You could have said the dog was playing on the roof on the first day, the next day the dog broke its leg, then the next day the dog died. The wife continued, anyway, how’s my mom?” The husband replied “YOUR MOM IS PLAYING ON THE ROOF.”